When it comes to Christian parenting methods or models, you find two extremes. The most popular models are that of attachment parenting, and detachment parenting. Oddly enough they are opposites yet both claim to be Christain. I find this hard to reconcile. I want to give my evaluation of these parenting models (one inparticular). I have made these opionins because of my experience as a mother, my experience with other mothers, and my own personal research on the subject.
The first model of attachment parenting is from Dr. Sears. Now to be honest I haven't read alot of his material. What I have read I liked. I think attachment parenting gets at the heart of how babies and parents should interact, how children feel secure and loved, and how to raise older children that have a healthy bond with and respect for their parents. My one problem with Dr. Sears is that I cannot find any statement of faith or claim that he himself is a Christian. He does have a book called the Christian Parenting Handbook, but the title does not necessarily mean that he is a Christian. So if anyone knows of where I could find this statement of faith, or any info on his theological background please let me know.
The second parenting model is detachment parenting. This is found from the Ezzo's (Along the infant way, Growing Kids God's way, Babywise). This is the method that I want to give most of my critique to. This method is used so often by Christians because I think they believe that if you are a Christian you have to parent this way. It seems to be packaged that way at times. I couldn't disagree more. I know many people will not agree with me and that is fine. I personally have a number of problems with their parenting model, but I will stick to the 4 or 5 that I think are the most relavent to all parents. My first problem with the Ezzo's model is their theological stance. The Ezzo's started their organization while attending the churh of John McArthur. McArthur is a very well known Calvinist. Based on this fact, and the things I have read from their books I believe that the Ezzo's themselves are also Calvinists. Their entire parenting model is based on the idea of depravity (I hope to do a post later on about if we are sinful or innocent at birth, so I will not discuss that here). I would sum up their model this way: Your children are sinful and depraved at birth, and you the parent must whip them into shape starting at birth! I believe their entire starting point is wrong. Their system of parenting is based on something that I do not believe to be Biblical. So if you are not a Calvinist you may want to think twice before starting their methods.
My Second problem with the Ezzo form of parenting is the age that they suggest to begin scheduling and training. Infants do not have the ability to self-calm, or the ability to manipulate yet. Ezzo encourages parents to let babies cry themselves to sleep, and to schedule their feedings at a very early age to teach them that they can't manipulate the parents and that they need to learn some form of independance. What a rude awakening to a baby! You have been warm, comfortable, and constantly fed for 9 months, then wham you are born and you get no more help to calm yourself, no more food whenever you want, you are to learn to be independant! I think this is a totally unrealistic expectation for young babies, and I think the message of we are not going to respond to your cries is the worst message you can teach your children. We let our daughter learn to put herself to sleep, but it was around 6 months (not 6 week!) when she actually had the ability to try to manipulate, but she also had the ability to calm herself. I have yet to find the idea of becoming independant as a goal in scripture, so I do not think it should be a primary goal for our young children either.
My third problem is that I believe Ezzo's parenting methods do not embrace the idea of scarifice in parenting. It is all about getting the baby/children to fit your schedule and your life. The parents time is not disrupted, the parent gets to sleep through the night, etc. I know they do not say this in their material, but that is exactly how it looks when it is practiced. They never talk about sacrificing your time and your preferences for your child. Sacrifice in parenting can be a huge part of your characer development if you will let it. Giving, and sacrifice i think are essential if we want to parent like Christ. I believe Ezzo has a tendencies to lean towards a more selfish form of parenting.
My final issue that I bring up about Ezzo is the main reason why I will not choose it as model to parent my children. That issue for me is that the risk/reward ratio is not worth it in my opinion. Yes you can put your child on a schdule, and yes you can train them to sleep through the night at an early age, and yes you can train them to not expect you to respond to their cries, but all these things come with a risk. At birth a baby's stomach is the size of a marble. By scheduling feedings you are taking the risk that your child may not be getting enough nutrients consistantly. This can lead to malnutrition, lack of weight gain, or failure to thrive. The way a child's brain develops is very fascinating. It depends on so many things from proper nutrition, to proper emotional attahments, and healthy amount of physical touch, etc. The Ezzo form of parneting tampers with all of these things to some degree, and that poses a risk to babies brain development if they are tampered with too much. Attachment disorders are real, and are terrible. Though they can have many causes, one of the main causes of attachment disorders is a lack of connection between the child and their primary care giver at an early age. You see attachment disorders mainly in adopted children who had little or poor infant care. That is why attachment is so critical when adopting a child, but it is critical with biological children too. Ezzo claims that babies can be spoiled and so they encourage parents to limit how much they hold their baby (specifically when putting them to sleep). If you limit your time of connecting with your baby and you limit your time of touch, and you limit when you respond to your baby you are taking the risk of your baby not attaching to you. That is a risk I will never be willing to take with my children.
Now I am not saying that every child whose parents chose to do Ezzo will end up with underdeveloped brians, or attachment disorders. But I feel that these things are legitament risks with the Ezzo style of parenting that parents need to be aware before they choose this method. I want to encourage parents to do your own research before you choose a parenting model. Do not just choose something because it is popular in Christian circles. Parenting is one of the most signigicant things you will ever do. Take the task seriously and do all the research (biblical, scientific, health, etc.) Then when you choose a parenting model you will know that it is going to be the best for you and your children.
My next post will be a short one on some of the parenting material that I have really liked and enjoyed using as a parent. Please take a look!
Well said!!
ReplyDeleteMost parenting models forget the most important thing...LOVE! There is nothing more Christian then that 4 letter word, yet when it comes to parenting, some choose to follow a book rather than their heart.
Carrie SPOT on!!!! Great post and well thought out post I would be interested in hearing more about the other model you mentioned. Also I have found that often times these models take it to an extreme and while that is convenient for making a point it may not be realistic. Maybe some ideas could be modified while exploring your thoughts on how to raise our children in a way that God would approve of. Great post and thank you!
ReplyDeleteHey Carrie,
ReplyDeleteI have read some of Dr Sears, I think I might of introduced you to him and his attachment parenting model when you were pregnant and visited our home. I haven't however read his Christian Parenting Handbook, yet. Here is a statement from his website and that is in the book "The main goal of this book," write Dr. William and Martha Sears, "is to help parents achieve what we believe are the three primary goals of Christian parenting to know your child, to help your child feel right, and to lead your child to Christ."
As the parents of eight, the husband/wife team has extensive first-hand experience in guiding the physical, emotional and spiritual development of children. This all-encompassing book combines a solid biblical workview with a medical professional's understanding of childhood and family development."
I don't know if that's what you were looking for or not. It sounds to me like they are Christians. Hope that helps
Wow, I really don't agree with you at all.
ReplyDeleteWe chose to do the Ezzo approach with Blake and have found he is a much happier better developed baby because of it. He would go hours and hours crying and we were unable to console him. Now we didn't do the sleep training at 6 weeks, which the book does not say that is the time you have to start, but we did do it about 9 or 10 weeks. After about a week Blake was a completely different child. He was happy and giggly while he was awake. We didn't do it because we were selfish with our time (Although, i'd like to talk to a parent who doesn't like nap time) we did it because it was the best thing for him.
ReplyDeleteI'm definitely not saying that every parent has to do this method. Since the Bible does not give us an exact way to parent your child, as long as you are raising your child to love the Lord you are doing right. We will continue to use the Ezzo method and I am 100% sure our children will always know that we LOVE them with all our hearts and would do anything for them.
Thank you to everyone for your comments. I knew that not everyone would agree with me. For Dawn specifically I am not saying that parents who choose to do Ezzo do not love their children. I believe they are doing what they think is best. I just don't agree with the Ezzo model. I think there are better methods (such as the 5 s's) that can help frustrated parents and babies. I believe what I said are actual risks that you take when using the Ezzo model. Some parents are willing to take those risks. I am not. Thank you to those who do agree with me.
ReplyDeleteI'm just wondering but have you talked to parents who used the Ezzo method that later wished they hadn't? I guess I'm not understanding the attachment risk you are talking about. Do you know children who have attachment disorders because of this method? It just seems like a leap to me and after reading the book I never got the impression you weren't supposed to touch or spend quality time with your child. Again, I'm not saying everyone has to do this method, I know amazing Christian parents who chose not to do this, but it seems like you're implying it's a sin issue if you do where how you choose to teach your child to sleep is not a spiritual matter.
ReplyDeleteI do believe parenting is a spiritual issue. I Do not think it is a sin issue whether your child sleeps through the night or not. Parenting should flow out of our relationship with Christ regardless of the method we choose. I just want parents to be aware of the possible health risks that I believe the Ezzo methods can have. If parents know the risks and still choose to use this method they have complete freedom to do that. Here is a link to the story I first heard about attachment disorders and Ezzo. The whole web site as a lot of info, but if you go the voices of experience section it is full of testimonies of parents who did Ezzo and now regret it.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.ezzo.info/Voices/attachment.htm
Pretty sure I didn't say parenting wasn't a spiritual issue but that teaching your child to sleep isn't. The stories on that website seem pretty extreme. Infants born from a traumatic birth are subject to the same attachment risks as adopted children and their attachment difficulties cannot rightfully be pinned on a sleeping model. Also, with any parenting model you also have to use your common sense. If crying and no sleeping is going on for 4 weeks it seems like any logical parent would say enough is enough. Blake was VERY difficult to teach how to sleep but we definitely did not let things go on for hours. Any model taken to the extreme can be dangerous. It's fine that you don't agree with it, I don't like the 5 s's and it's not big deal, but to make it sound like one is a bad or irresponsible parent because of the path they choose when they are being godly in their choices is not justified.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry if it sounds like I'm being argumentative, I'm really not trying to start a huge debate. This just shows that there is not one right way to parent a child. As long as you seek the Lord's wisdom and teach your child to love Him about everything else God does leave it up to each of us to decide what logistics are best for our families. I know you guys are great parents and I do respect your opinion.
ReplyDeleteDawn I feel as if there has been a disconnect between what I am trying to say what you are hearing. I am not accusing anyone of being a bad or an irresponsible parent. I was not implying that you do not think parenting is a spiritual issue. In fact I thought we were agreeing on that point. My purpose was to explain why I do not like the Ezzo method, and to let other parents know what I consider to be possible risks with that particular model. Every parent has a choice in how they parent. I don't want you to think I am saying one parent model is the right way and the other is wrong, this is just my opinion. My frustration is that Ezzo is often couched as "the Christian way" to parent, and I don't think that I true. I think there are many other methods that fit into biblical parenting. I too respect your opinion and I know you would never do something you thought was harmful to Blake.
ReplyDeleteI would have to agree with many different models. We just cannot omit just one model because it does not fit with our child, but it might fit with someone else’s child. I like to take several different models and apply them to my children. I might disagree with their biblical stances, but their ideas have some merit. We have to agree consistence is what stabilizes a child, if Ezzo stress consistence there is nothing wrong with that. Children thrive on stability, if anything is set in motion that disrupts the child, the child becomes frustrated. You pointed out that adopted children have a hard time adjusting to being adopted. The only reason is that their security has become disrupted. They have not developed the concept of who I am, and who is going to provide the need; the consistence back into my life. Nurturance beings right at birth and there after, however each child as their own agenda. My first child was independent, until he was four, now his needy. My second child was needy until two, now she is independent. My children like to have consistence, if I deviate anytime at all, both children become cranky, tired, and throw fits, immediate frustration is thrown in, it’s up to me to determine whether to understand my child’s emotion. Sometimes it might be best to let the child to cry it out and then cuddle and ask them what is wrong; after they have thrown their fit. Because you are better off emotionally and the child is better off emotionally as well. Not all methods are perfect, I have to disagree with most models, but I also cannot disregard them as well. If a models offers some insight as being a better parent. I'll take it and apply them to what I believe is the proper Christian Method for my children, not the book as the proper Christian Method.
ReplyDeleteThank you "anonymous " for your comments. I agree with most of what you have to say. I want to specify that my main issue is with Ezzos infant care. I think a lot of their material for older children can be helpful. The main area I disagree with you is this. I believe that there are actual risks in the Ezzos methods for infants. Now I could not say anything and assume that method works for some kids, but I think it is my duty as a Christian and as a parent to speak out about what I think are potential dangers for the sake of children and parents. These were the conclusions I have made after Evaluating the Ezzo methods. I understand that some parents can evaluate it and come to a different conclusion.
ReplyDeleteI am not after everyone coming to my conclusion. I am after evaluation, critical thinking, and research. I want parents to be informed and educated before they
choose a parenting model. We all need to evaluate our methods, especially if
they come with a Christian label. I hope that no one will disagree with me on
this goal for all parents.
Carrie,
ReplyDeleteI think you are bringing up some very good points. Self reflection and personal motivation and evaluation are hard pills to swallow sometimes. It's easy to get defensive when one hears that the method they have chosen is not the "best" or perhaps wisest choice in the long run. Here's to being honest enough with ourselves and our children to swallow our pride and change if necessary for the long term betterment of our children and families.
In my lifetime, every child I have met that has undergone the parenting method of Ezzo coupled with consistent discipline later in life from the parents has turned out very well. In fact, from my perspective the children are well rested and well fed and have no emotional attachment disorders. I would also say that some parents don't use common sense in their methodology and at times can be dogmatic about what they are trying to accomplish which can cause problems no matter what methodology you use.
ReplyDeleteI guess what I find the most troubling or disagree with the most, is "drawing the line in the sand" about other Christians being Calvinist. Why divide over a non salvation issue? I can understand disagreeing with their starting point of how they view things, but to say its not Biblical goes too far. How can you know without a doubt that your eternal security viewpoint isn't wrong?
Wish you the best of luck with your parenting method. My goal and desire is to see all our children become fully devoted disciples of Jesus. I think we have the same goal. I just wish we as Chrisitians would stop pointing fingers at each about being wrong on issues that distract us from being unified on the mission of Christ. (Parenting method, eternal security, etc)
When it comes to Calvinism I am not debating the eternal implications of that system, and I'm not even talking about anything salvational. I have not accused Calvinists of not being Christians. I am sorry if you understood it that way. I am talking about Calvinism (spefically the idea of being born sinful) in the context of parenting. That is the idea I disagree with because I believe it is a very bad point to begin parenting from. I think it can create a negative view of children, and how you view your children will affect how you parent them. I simply am challenging parents to think. if they do not believe their children are sinful at birth, then why would they choose a parenting model that is based on that idea? A mothers greatest mission for God's kingdom is her children and how she raises them. I am sorry if you thought I was drawing a doctrinal line in the sand or point fingers. I intended neither.
ReplyDelete