I'm am sorry to say that this will be my last blog post. It seems this blog as stirred up more controversy then I intended. Though I have received some support and positive feed back I feel as if the negative has out weighed the positive. This makes me very sad because I had a lot of other topics i wanted to talk about, but feel that for now it is best to stop.
I have learned some things through this experience. First is that blogs are very poor ways to communicate. No matter how open and honest i felt i was about my opinions, i was misunderstood and assumptions were made. This is a primary reason I am stopping the blog. I feel that too many assumptions have been made about what I am trying to say. I fear that I have not communicated my purpose clearly enough and I don't want more misunderstandings to occur.
The second thing I learned is that when your opinions are outside the norm, they are not always received kindly. I suppose I should have excepted it, but it caught me off guard. I never expected people to take this so personally. I know I have dealt with some personal topics, but to me it is just a blog. A place to vent my opinions as I said in my very first post. I did not intend for anything to sound like "thus saith the lord". My fear is that culture has been informing how we mother (including birth) too much. I wanted to speak out against what I saw as possible dangers in all areas of motherhood, but that seems to have been interpreted as me pointing the finger at people. This was not my intent.
Despite all things things I hope that my bigger purpose behind this blog was achieved. That purpose was to challenge christian mothers (and fathers) to think critically about all aspects of raising kids. I don't want people to just follow the norm, or go with the flow if you will. For a mother there is nothing more profound than having the opportunity to shape and mold a young soul. I want moms to believe that how they choose to mother from pregnancy on really does matter. I want moms to trust in their God given abilities and instincts when it comes to motherhood. I have always wanted parents to evaluate, ponder, and research what is going to be best for their children, starting from in the womb. This doesn't mean you have to share my opinions. It just means I want parents to make informed and educated choices. I hope that purpose may have been achieved, and for now this will be the end of my blog. Thank you to those who have supported me. I will continue to strive for being the best mom I can be, and I hope that for all of you as well.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Parenting Materials
Just wanted to give a few more parenting resources. These are the ones I have most recently read.
The Complete Book of Christian Parenting and Child Care, by Dr. William Sears and Martha Sears
This book has been my very favorite parenting resource! I feel like I no longer need to write my own book, because this book contains just about everything I would have written! Great parenting advice for pregnancy, birth, infants, and beyond all through the eyes of love and grace. Contains lots of medical research and stats. I did not agree 100% with his discipline section, but he still gives very good advice for parents who choose to spank and those who choose not to. Highly recommend to all Christian parents!
Bring Up Girls, by Dr. James Dobson
This is a great book for parents of girls. It is a sobering read about what our culture can do to girls, and what parents can do to protect their girls. Deals with girls at all ages and explains a lot of scientific studies in easy to understand terms. Very helpful and eye opening to what girls need to be strong and heathly physically and emotionally. (I have heard great things about Bring Up Boys as well, but I have not read it, since we have girls! But I wouldn't be afraid to recommend it to parents with boys!)
Evaluating Christian Parenting Models
When it comes to Christian parenting methods or models, you find two extremes. The most popular models are that of attachment parenting, and detachment parenting. Oddly enough they are opposites yet both claim to be Christain. I find this hard to reconcile. I want to give my evaluation of these parenting models (one inparticular). I have made these opionins because of my experience as a mother, my experience with other mothers, and my own personal research on the subject.
The first model of attachment parenting is from Dr. Sears. Now to be honest I haven't read alot of his material. What I have read I liked. I think attachment parenting gets at the heart of how babies and parents should interact, how children feel secure and loved, and how to raise older children that have a healthy bond with and respect for their parents. My one problem with Dr. Sears is that I cannot find any statement of faith or claim that he himself is a Christian. He does have a book called the Christian Parenting Handbook, but the title does not necessarily mean that he is a Christian. So if anyone knows of where I could find this statement of faith, or any info on his theological background please let me know.
The second parenting model is detachment parenting. This is found from the Ezzo's (Along the infant way, Growing Kids God's way, Babywise). This is the method that I want to give most of my critique to. This method is used so often by Christians because I think they believe that if you are a Christian you have to parent this way. It seems to be packaged that way at times. I couldn't disagree more. I know many people will not agree with me and that is fine. I personally have a number of problems with their parenting model, but I will stick to the 4 or 5 that I think are the most relavent to all parents. My first problem with the Ezzo's model is their theological stance. The Ezzo's started their organization while attending the churh of John McArthur. McArthur is a very well known Calvinist. Based on this fact, and the things I have read from their books I believe that the Ezzo's themselves are also Calvinists. Their entire parenting model is based on the idea of depravity (I hope to do a post later on about if we are sinful or innocent at birth, so I will not discuss that here). I would sum up their model this way: Your children are sinful and depraved at birth, and you the parent must whip them into shape starting at birth! I believe their entire starting point is wrong. Their system of parenting is based on something that I do not believe to be Biblical. So if you are not a Calvinist you may want to think twice before starting their methods.
My Second problem with the Ezzo form of parenting is the age that they suggest to begin scheduling and training. Infants do not have the ability to self-calm, or the ability to manipulate yet. Ezzo encourages parents to let babies cry themselves to sleep, and to schedule their feedings at a very early age to teach them that they can't manipulate the parents and that they need to learn some form of independance. What a rude awakening to a baby! You have been warm, comfortable, and constantly fed for 9 months, then wham you are born and you get no more help to calm yourself, no more food whenever you want, you are to learn to be independant! I think this is a totally unrealistic expectation for young babies, and I think the message of we are not going to respond to your cries is the worst message you can teach your children. We let our daughter learn to put herself to sleep, but it was around 6 months (not 6 week!) when she actually had the ability to try to manipulate, but she also had the ability to calm herself. I have yet to find the idea of becoming independant as a goal in scripture, so I do not think it should be a primary goal for our young children either.
My third problem is that I believe Ezzo's parenting methods do not embrace the idea of scarifice in parenting. It is all about getting the baby/children to fit your schedule and your life. The parents time is not disrupted, the parent gets to sleep through the night, etc. I know they do not say this in their material, but that is exactly how it looks when it is practiced. They never talk about sacrificing your time and your preferences for your child. Sacrifice in parenting can be a huge part of your characer development if you will let it. Giving, and sacrifice i think are essential if we want to parent like Christ. I believe Ezzo has a tendencies to lean towards a more selfish form of parenting.
My final issue that I bring up about Ezzo is the main reason why I will not choose it as model to parent my children. That issue for me is that the risk/reward ratio is not worth it in my opinion. Yes you can put your child on a schdule, and yes you can train them to sleep through the night at an early age, and yes you can train them to not expect you to respond to their cries, but all these things come with a risk. At birth a baby's stomach is the size of a marble. By scheduling feedings you are taking the risk that your child may not be getting enough nutrients consistantly. This can lead to malnutrition, lack of weight gain, or failure to thrive. The way a child's brain develops is very fascinating. It depends on so many things from proper nutrition, to proper emotional attahments, and healthy amount of physical touch, etc. The Ezzo form of parneting tampers with all of these things to some degree, and that poses a risk to babies brain development if they are tampered with too much. Attachment disorders are real, and are terrible. Though they can have many causes, one of the main causes of attachment disorders is a lack of connection between the child and their primary care giver at an early age. You see attachment disorders mainly in adopted children who had little or poor infant care. That is why attachment is so critical when adopting a child, but it is critical with biological children too. Ezzo claims that babies can be spoiled and so they encourage parents to limit how much they hold their baby (specifically when putting them to sleep). If you limit your time of connecting with your baby and you limit your time of touch, and you limit when you respond to your baby you are taking the risk of your baby not attaching to you. That is a risk I will never be willing to take with my children.
Now I am not saying that every child whose parents chose to do Ezzo will end up with underdeveloped brians, or attachment disorders. But I feel that these things are legitament risks with the Ezzo style of parenting that parents need to be aware before they choose this method. I want to encourage parents to do your own research before you choose a parenting model. Do not just choose something because it is popular in Christian circles. Parenting is one of the most signigicant things you will ever do. Take the task seriously and do all the research (biblical, scientific, health, etc.) Then when you choose a parenting model you will know that it is going to be the best for you and your children.
My next post will be a short one on some of the parenting material that I have really liked and enjoyed using as a parent. Please take a look!
The first model of attachment parenting is from Dr. Sears. Now to be honest I haven't read alot of his material. What I have read I liked. I think attachment parenting gets at the heart of how babies and parents should interact, how children feel secure and loved, and how to raise older children that have a healthy bond with and respect for their parents. My one problem with Dr. Sears is that I cannot find any statement of faith or claim that he himself is a Christian. He does have a book called the Christian Parenting Handbook, but the title does not necessarily mean that he is a Christian. So if anyone knows of where I could find this statement of faith, or any info on his theological background please let me know.
The second parenting model is detachment parenting. This is found from the Ezzo's (Along the infant way, Growing Kids God's way, Babywise). This is the method that I want to give most of my critique to. This method is used so often by Christians because I think they believe that if you are a Christian you have to parent this way. It seems to be packaged that way at times. I couldn't disagree more. I know many people will not agree with me and that is fine. I personally have a number of problems with their parenting model, but I will stick to the 4 or 5 that I think are the most relavent to all parents. My first problem with the Ezzo's model is their theological stance. The Ezzo's started their organization while attending the churh of John McArthur. McArthur is a very well known Calvinist. Based on this fact, and the things I have read from their books I believe that the Ezzo's themselves are also Calvinists. Their entire parenting model is based on the idea of depravity (I hope to do a post later on about if we are sinful or innocent at birth, so I will not discuss that here). I would sum up their model this way: Your children are sinful and depraved at birth, and you the parent must whip them into shape starting at birth! I believe their entire starting point is wrong. Their system of parenting is based on something that I do not believe to be Biblical. So if you are not a Calvinist you may want to think twice before starting their methods.
My Second problem with the Ezzo form of parenting is the age that they suggest to begin scheduling and training. Infants do not have the ability to self-calm, or the ability to manipulate yet. Ezzo encourages parents to let babies cry themselves to sleep, and to schedule their feedings at a very early age to teach them that they can't manipulate the parents and that they need to learn some form of independance. What a rude awakening to a baby! You have been warm, comfortable, and constantly fed for 9 months, then wham you are born and you get no more help to calm yourself, no more food whenever you want, you are to learn to be independant! I think this is a totally unrealistic expectation for young babies, and I think the message of we are not going to respond to your cries is the worst message you can teach your children. We let our daughter learn to put herself to sleep, but it was around 6 months (not 6 week!) when she actually had the ability to try to manipulate, but she also had the ability to calm herself. I have yet to find the idea of becoming independant as a goal in scripture, so I do not think it should be a primary goal for our young children either.
My third problem is that I believe Ezzo's parenting methods do not embrace the idea of scarifice in parenting. It is all about getting the baby/children to fit your schedule and your life. The parents time is not disrupted, the parent gets to sleep through the night, etc. I know they do not say this in their material, but that is exactly how it looks when it is practiced. They never talk about sacrificing your time and your preferences for your child. Sacrifice in parenting can be a huge part of your characer development if you will let it. Giving, and sacrifice i think are essential if we want to parent like Christ. I believe Ezzo has a tendencies to lean towards a more selfish form of parenting.
My final issue that I bring up about Ezzo is the main reason why I will not choose it as model to parent my children. That issue for me is that the risk/reward ratio is not worth it in my opinion. Yes you can put your child on a schdule, and yes you can train them to sleep through the night at an early age, and yes you can train them to not expect you to respond to their cries, but all these things come with a risk. At birth a baby's stomach is the size of a marble. By scheduling feedings you are taking the risk that your child may not be getting enough nutrients consistantly. This can lead to malnutrition, lack of weight gain, or failure to thrive. The way a child's brain develops is very fascinating. It depends on so many things from proper nutrition, to proper emotional attahments, and healthy amount of physical touch, etc. The Ezzo form of parneting tampers with all of these things to some degree, and that poses a risk to babies brain development if they are tampered with too much. Attachment disorders are real, and are terrible. Though they can have many causes, one of the main causes of attachment disorders is a lack of connection between the child and their primary care giver at an early age. You see attachment disorders mainly in adopted children who had little or poor infant care. That is why attachment is so critical when adopting a child, but it is critical with biological children too. Ezzo claims that babies can be spoiled and so they encourage parents to limit how much they hold their baby (specifically when putting them to sleep). If you limit your time of connecting with your baby and you limit your time of touch, and you limit when you respond to your baby you are taking the risk of your baby not attaching to you. That is a risk I will never be willing to take with my children.
Now I am not saying that every child whose parents chose to do Ezzo will end up with underdeveloped brians, or attachment disorders. But I feel that these things are legitament risks with the Ezzo style of parenting that parents need to be aware before they choose this method. I want to encourage parents to do your own research before you choose a parenting model. Do not just choose something because it is popular in Christian circles. Parenting is one of the most signigicant things you will ever do. Take the task seriously and do all the research (biblical, scientific, health, etc.) Then when you choose a parenting model you will know that it is going to be the best for you and your children.
My next post will be a short one on some of the parenting material that I have really liked and enjoyed using as a parent. Please take a look!
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